my writing

Gatsthedarksword · Post by **Gatsthedarksword** » Mon Sep 09, 2002 10:06 pm

ok this probably goes here since i'm asking an opinion of me. anyway i am an aspiring writer basically, i wo my best but the only opinions i have are from my friends and i don't trust them, not to mention one says it in a way as to get it out of the way, so i figure i put a short excerp from one of my works and i would be extremely interested in your opinions cause you guys are cool and i trust your opinion.

. Ok here goes, I am a demon I was in hell, I knew I had to get out but there was nothing I could do, they don’t exactly have an exit in hell. So I told Satan if he gave me a permanent body I would personally kill all church officials affectively removing gods half of the religion here on earth. Did you know your will is really strong, I done possession before but this was really a fight, in fact one of us should’ve been eliminated in that battle some how we came to a center point and stalemated there. This body is much mine as it is yours now.” He said. “No, I won’t let you kill anyone, like you said it’s our body, if I don’t want you to go, we don’t go.” I said angrily. “Then we die. If we don’t fulfill our bargain he will make our lives a living hell and yes he’s quite capable of doing that.” He replied just as angry. As if to emphasize his point a small ball of fire about the size of a baseball flew through the window and smashed into the wall behind him. “Ok is there anything we can compromise on in this situation.” I thought, “Maybe, but your not going to like it. Lets go we can talk on the way.” He said, “Where do we go?” I asked. “You know or at least you will once we get going, our minds are linked now you can look into my mind just like I can look into yours and man you should really go with me on this, your life sucks.” He said and I smiled, this time it was me, I flexed my powerful arms and tore through the wall with my new claws, jumped out the window and flew straight up, it was so amazing. I had often had dreams of flying but noting matched the true freeness and exhilaration of it, I did a few tricks that no fly could’ve pulled off and they are some of the best when it comes to air maneuvers. I headed in the direction indicated by my own mind. “So what kind of deal can we make so we don’t kill innocent people.” I asked. I heard laughter “ok for one thing innocent is a term that has no meaning to me. Second, you talk like you have choice.” Said the demon. Suddenly my wings stopped flapping and I started plummeting toward the ground. “What are you doing we’ll die!” The demon screamed, “What was that you were saying?” I asked calmly “ok ok! If I get sent back to the hole now I’ll never get out, lets make a deal right.” He said sounding defeated. I flipped and went flying back into the air. “Ok now that we are below hell’s radar I can tell you. I came up here not to kill priests but to kill my enemies, I have some very powerful ones and this is the only way to deal with them, Satan doesn’t mind as long as I hold up my end of the bargain; but I don’t know if I will.” He explained. Suddenly a figure shot past and I felt a pain in my arm I grunted and flipped so I could see who it was. Another demon like me was there; only he was a lot smaller than me in build. So he was definitely faster than me. “Ok no chance you can beat this guy in the air, land now!” said the demon. “Fine but I get to fight him don’t interfere at all just advice.” I replied. I felt more than heard his disagreement and I made him feel my determination. “Hey you learn quick, I might have to stop vocalizing to you everything if you keep this up. But you know if you get whooped I will take over and beat that little punk.” He said happily. “You know him?” I asked. Puck is his name and he’s a real weakling but faster then anything you ever seen he is the errand boy and an easy kill for me so I don’t mind letting you take him. Fine you get the next one if you want. Sure, I landed. “Hello Puck, ready to die for that scratch you gave me?” I asked. He just growled in reply. I ran forward and he charged at me, our claws clashed and connected we punched and kicked and tore at one another. I felt him make a huge gash on my shoulder. I growled and threw a punch with all my strength he staggered back, I followed and prepared to attack again but he disappeared. I turned in time to catch his claws in my face; I could feel it scrape my cheekbone as he shot past me, my head rocked back on my shoulders. I grunted and suddenly I was no longer speaking. It was him “You scared my face! You are going to pay!” I found myself still in control of my body and charged forward. We clashed and I hit him so hard he flew into a nearby wall, he gasped and coughed up blood. I began to feel it, the raw power and exhilaration during a fight, now I understood my new friends point of view. He moved away, “Damn, He’s too fast to see.” I turned and just barley dodged another fly by. I turned and got into a stance, I tensed my leg muscles and got ready for another charge. “What are you doing you can’t beat him in a speed test.” He yelled in my head. “Don’t worry I got it.” I replied calmly. My enemy got ready also. I charged forward, our claws flashed, we stopped a few meters away with our backs to each other. I grunted and grabbed my chest were the large gash was, then straightened up and held my hand in the air, a hand holding a demon heart, I can safely say it wasn’t mine. Puck screamed in agony and exploded into flames. All that was left was ashes, I walked over to it, “ashes to ashes, dust to dust.” I said in undertones. “Wow, I’m impressed, but you forgot one thing.” Said the demon, and I tossed the heart onto the pile, and threw my head back roaring in victory and spewing flames into the air. “Eww I like your style said the demon. But here.” He said commenting on my adding the flames.

hope that wasn't too long. but it's actually one of the shortest things i've writen. if you like it tell me and i can e-mail you the whole thing or one of my other works. but plz say what you think of it

FirestormXIII · Post by **FirestormXIII** » Mon Sep 09, 2002 10:20 pm

When more than one person is speaking back-to-back (like you had quite a bit in your story) you should start a new line when a new person starts speaking. It avoids confusion.

And Paragraphs are your friends.

As for the story, I got bored with it at about the point where the character started to speak. That partly had to do with everything being so cluttered, but more with the way you presented your writing. It just doesn't grab, or hold my attention as the reader.

There's potential in your writing, but it does need work. E-mail me sometime and we can talk about it. I used to write quite a bit, though I've stopped for a short time (school and lack of time).

And don't take me comments as being harsh, or condecending. I was just being as honest as I could. Any english teacher would be just as blunt if they were asked their opinion of your writing.

Miyur · Post by **Miyur** » Mon Sep 09, 2002 10:27 pm

I like it cause demons are cool but you should separate when the two characters are talking it gets confusing.

Gatsthedarksword · Post by **Gatsthedarksword** » Mon Sep 09, 2002 10:27 pm

ok there was paragraphs but when i copied it they disapeared, i guess i shouldv'e looked it over before submitting it

Gatsthedarksword · Post by **Gatsthedarksword** » Mon Sep 09, 2002 10:41 pm

ok as i said it is an excerpt that i pulled towards the end after the kid got over his initial shock and the fighting for control is over. i know my grammar suchs and it's hard to follow, it makes a better listen than a read but tell me what you think of the story, not my grammar.

FirestormXIII · Post by **FirestormXIII** » Mon Sep 09, 2002 10:48 pm

*Raises hand*

*Raises other one too*